i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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