You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
