he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
