Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
