whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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