i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
