I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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