You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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