at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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