she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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