how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
