Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
