Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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