i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
