We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
