I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
