I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
