pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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