My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
