Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
