Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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