I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Randomize
