I feel great
I just peed on a car
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
