I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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