We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
