Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize