I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
