please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
