hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
