I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
