my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
