apparently the secret to your success is patron
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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