I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
A bitchslap is in order.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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