so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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