Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
