Already got asked if we're dating
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
