No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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