Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
