This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
