he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize