When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
