mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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