I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
