I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
