I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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