I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
