Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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