I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
