Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
