When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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