Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
