Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I want you more than these girls want KFC
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
