He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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