You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
