is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize